Listening is the Practice: Nurturing Your Relationship with Your Teen

When it comes to raising teens, one of the most common habits we fall into as parents is giving advice. We do it because we care. Because we’ve lived longer, seen more, and want to spare our kids unnecessary pain. Because we want to fix what’s hard, or help them make the “right” choice. But in our well-meaning efforts to guide, we often miss what our kids are truly asking for: to be seen and heard.

Over and over in therapy sessions, I hear teens say, “My parents just don’t listen.”
What they usually mean is:
– They feel shut down.
– They feel talked over.
– They feel like there’s an agenda.
– Or they’re met with lectures instead of space.

What the research and lived experience continually show is that young people need a safe place to land. They need space to process their own thoughts and feelings, and a regulated adult who can be present without rushing in to fix or reframe. When we give them that, we’re not doing “nothing” we’re actually helping them build essential life skills:

• Learning how to regulate while sharing something vulnerable
• Practicing reflection and perspective-taking
• Building confidence in their own voice
• Feeling emotionally safe and connected

In short, listening is guidance. And it’s one of the most powerful tools we have.

How to Practice Listening with Your Teen (believe me, this takes lots of practice!). Here are a few ways to strengthen your listening muscle:

• Lead with openness. Try:
  “Tell me what’s been on your mind.”
  “What’s been feeling tricky lately?”
  “How are you feeling about that?”
• Use simple follow-ups that keep them talking.
  “What do you mean by that?”
  “Can you say more?”
  “That makes sense.”
• Validate without fixing.
  “That sounds hard.”
  “I can see why you’d feel that way.”
  “Thanks for telling me.”
• Ask what they need.
  One of the best tools I learned during my kid's teen years was simply asking,
  “Do you want advice, or do you just want me to listen right now?”
• Resist the urge to fill the space.
  Adults often process by talking, but your child may still be learning to sit with their feelings and sort them through. Silence isn’t awkward, it’s space.
• Come back later, if needed.
  Listening now doesn’t mean you can’t offer perspective later. Try,
  “I’ve been thinking more about what you said yesterday, can I share a few thoughts with you?”

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I recently came across a post from Dr. Becky Campbell that offered language and simple scripts designed to build a child’s confidence. These phrases pair beautifully with the practice of listening and validating feelings. Imagine being met with one of these messages, by someone who loves you, right when you need it most.

“I believe you.”
“It makes sense you feel that way, I’m here.”
“It’s okay to take your time, I’m here when you’re ready.”
“You’re allowed to feel exactly as you do.”  
“You’re the only one in your body, so you’re the only one who knows how you feel.” 

Listening isn’t passive. It’s an active, compassionate choice to hold space for someone else’s experience. For our kids—especially as they navigate the complexities of adolescence—it can be what keeps them relationally connected to us. And the more we practice it, the more they trust us with what matters.

​Author, Jen Rapanos, LMSW, RCYT

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