When children are in a calm state, their ability to see the bigger picture improves. Science says that positive emotional states affect brain activity associated with cognitive flexibility. It makes sense right? When a child is calm, their ability to think more rationally and with more flexibility improves.

But it's not that simple. What's important to remember is that the prefrontal cortex (the area of the brain that helps us see the bigger picture) doesn't fully develop until our mid-20's.  So when we expect children to naturally and independently change their thinking, see another point of view, or use what we call a growth mindset, it's often an unrealistic expectation.

The reality is that many children require the support of an attuned adult to help them develop these skills; over and over and over again.  These executive functioning skills aren't a one and done learned skill; it's the repeated experience that helps create pathways for learning. Children need nurturing adults throughout their childhood and even beyond late adolescence to help foster the development of these skills.  This doesn't mean you're problem-solving for them or fixing their problems.  The joint effort in problem-solving is often what's required for children to reframe their thoughts to be more helpful and useful.  The work of Dr. Ross Greene is a wonderful resource to help in this process.  His evidence-based model based on neurobiological research provides a framework for parents and educators to help children develop these skills.   We recommend his books Lost at School for educators and Raising Human Beings for parents and caregivers. 

We hope you enjoy the visual in this blog from our MIND-BODY-GROW curriculum.  It can be used as a resource in your classroom or at home, but don't let eye-catching visuals stand-alone and replace the learning that comes only when an attuned adult connects with a child and collaboratively supports their learning.

We spend a lot of time and energy trying to change circumstances that are outside of our control. When we focus our energy trying to change the things that can’t be changed, it leaves us feeling frustrated and exhausted.  When we resist whatever is happening in the moment, and focus our mental energy into wishing things were different, we bring added suffering to what might already be a painful or challenging experience. This rumination brings added suffering ~ the pain you're experiencing might be inevitable, but the suffering, this is optional.


What if instead, you choose to focus on accepting and managing the feelings you do have, on putting your energy into the things that you do have a choice in.

When your child is feeling overwhelmed by a situation or circumstance outside of their control, your first effort can be to connect with them on an emotional level. A simple phrase like "I notice you're having a hard time" or "this is a difficult situation for you"  can be helpful.  Being seen and heard is validating for everyone!

Invite them to take a few deep breaths and name what they're feeling. Naming our feelings and noticing where those feelings show up in the body is what Dr. Daniel Siegel calls the "name it to tame it" strategy.  These simple steps integrate both hemispheres of the brain and calm the emotional center, making your child more available to access the part of the brain that can see the big picture. 

Then, collaboratively explore the kind of things your child does have control over. The human mind seeks certainty and while this may be challenging in the current environment, there are still things you can control, ways to find peace, even in times of uncertainty. 

Thanks to our partnership with Katie Eberts Illustrations - we've created a visual to support you in these conversations.   We hope you enjoy "10 Things You Can Control"  May it help guide you and  your child in taking good care of your mental and emotional health ~ especially in these times.

​Relaxation is a coping strategy for managing stress and the ability to relax is a skill that has to be taught. Children need opportunities to learn about stress, the symptoms and the effects it can have on their health and well-being. Moreover,  they need opportunities to embody the practice of relaxation if they are to make it a priority in their lives. This takes effort, patience and persistence. I’ve found in my practice as a psychotherapist and yoga and mindfulness teacher that once children know what a relaxed state actually feels like in their body and mind, that they start to request more and more of it. And once they’re familiar with the strategies, they are able to generalize these practices at home and at school.  

Relaxation techniques are often free and can be practiced nearly anywhere. As a process and state of being, relaxation helps decrease the physical and mental effects of tension, stress and anxiety experienced in our daily lives. Relaxation doesn’t mean zoning out in front of the television or in front of an iPad, this does little to reduce the damaging effects of stress. Evidence-based practices like deep breathing, meditation, guided imagery, rhythmic exercise and yoga however have been proven to activate the body’s natural relaxation response (the parasympathetic nervous system), which helps reduce stress, boost energy and mood and improve mental and physical health.   
​

• Check in With Body Cues  Before you can learn to release stress,  you need to be aware that you are stressed. In order to have a conceptual understanding of how to cope with feelings of stress we first need to understand how and why our brains are designed to interpret and react to stress. Take some time to educate your child about the brain and their stress response system. When children are aware of the signals their body gives when experiencing stress or emotions, then they can learn to monitor and respond to stress in a more mindful way. Regularly schedule and practice short “check in” moments; this helps build awareness and provides children with opportunities to become familiar with the felt sense of stress in the body.   

• Practice Body Scan Meditation The body scan meditation trains attention, builds body awareness, and is a tool for relaxation. The instructions are somewhat universal, though when using this meditation with children the exercise is significantly shorter than with adults. Use a script or find a recording that you like.  Consider the age of your child when determining the length of the body scan exercise.  Body scan meditation is a wonderful tool to use to help calm the body and mind before bedtime. 

 

• Use Calming Music It is well known that listening to calming music has a direct correlation with lowered respiration and heart rate, as well as having a positive impact on mood.  Use music to help with transitions or other times when stress seems to be elevated; the sound of soft, slow classical music for example can really help change the way we feel at such moments.  While you might use music in the background to support a more calm environment, you might also consider taking short music breaks.  That is,  sit or lie down in a comfortable position.  With your body still, mindfully listen to a short piece of music. Bedtime is great time to incorporate this exercise!

​

• Use Story Time Effectively Set aside time to read together or if your child is older have them use reading as a time to practice being quiet and still. If reading to your child aloud consider your pace and provide moments to pause along the way. Create a calm environment; find a quite and comfy space, dim the lights, and consider your verbal and non-verbal communication.  Explain that reading or story time is a time to quiet down and relax.  

​

• Create a Peace Corner A peace or calming corner is a special place that you create in your home (or classroom) that exemplifies a safe haven . A space to practice relaxation as well as place to express and explore feelings and solve conflicts.  The atmosphere should be calming and consist of activities that help create a sense of peace within the child.   Things to consider adding to a peace corner:​
  • A comfortable chair, yoga mat or defined seated space
  • Pictures of peaceful places
  • Elements from nature
  • Journals and/or mandala coloring books
  • A CD for calming music
  • Mind Jar
  • Essential oil
  • Weighted lap pillow or blanket
  • Visuals of breathing exercises and breathing props
  • Visuals of calming and/or energizing yoga poses
  • Growth mindset statements
    
    
• Consider How You Start and End the Day  Children have busy lives with full schedules and so sometimes the most natural time for relaxation is at the beginning or end of the day.  That’s when we often have the most control over how we spend these few moments.  Set the intention to practice a relaxation technique before jumping out of bed or to unwind before hitting the hay!  Starting the day with a short body scan for example can set the stage for a more calmed nervous system.  Or after a full day of constant input, taking a few minutes to unwind with a piece of relaxing music might be supportive.  In my psychotherapy practice I help develop morning and evening routines with several of my clients and their parents. These are the times when families can intentionally creating routines that help with these big transitions. 

   

• Use Guided Meditations and Visual Imagery Exercises  Guided meditations are a great way to help children focus their minds and relax their bodies and there are many options out there. If you’re reading a script or listening to an audio recording, it’s important that you read or listen to the meditation through its entirety before sharing with children. This will help you decide if the length, theme and experience is what you’re looking for specifically for your child. There are many resources, here are just a few that I’ve used with children. The first 5 listed are guided meditations. 
  • Mindfulness Meditation for Kids. Breathing Exercise. Guided Meditation for Children          
  • Hot Air Balloon Ride: A Guided Meditation for Kids.  Children’s Visualization for Sleep & Dreaming
  • Guided Meditation for Children. The Worry Bus: Kids Meditation for Worry and Anxiety                      
  • Let Go of Worries. A Guided Meditation for Children                                                                        
  • Guided Meditation for Children.  Your Secret Treehouse, Relaxation for Kids              
  • Stop, Breathe & Think This app for meditation & mindfulness, has a unique approach that allows you to check in with your emotions, and then recommends short, guided meditations, yoga and acupressure videos, tuned to how you feel. 
  • Sleep Meditations for Kids These deeply relaxing recordings can help children with sleep issues, insomnia, stress, anxiety and with feelings of confidence and well being. They can also be used for general relaxation. Suitable for children up to the age of 12. 
  • Sitting Still Like a Frog Audio Recordings on SoundCloud. From the book Sitting Still Like a Frog by Eline Snel which includes a CD with guided meditations, this link provides you with each audio exercise included in the book. These exercises are based on mindfulness-training exercises for adults and developed especially for children. 

 

• Mindful Nature Walk Exercise Consider starting a regular mindful nature walk practice! All that's needed is a curious attitude and your senses! This is a great outdoor activity that naturally invites us to bring mindful awareness and wonder to the world around us and the silence within us.   Depending on the age of your child, decide on an appropriate amount of time to spend on the walk. The purpose of this walk is to move from autopilot to mindful awareness.  Using your senses, this practice transcends the relatively detached way we often experience nature.  Pause on the walk and notice, what do you hear? Look at the variety of shapes and sizes, colors and textures found in nature. Use your sense of touch to explore and feel. Maybe you’ll find a thing or two to smell. When your time is up, share what you’ve found! Talk, draw or write about your experience. You could even record your discoveries in a notebook. Track what you notice on each walk throughout the seasons and uncover some of the many ways the natural world changes! Don’t make it into a competition, it’s not about how many things you’ve found but rather, an opportunity to be fully in the moment. A time to quiet your mind and to really see and hear, feel and smell all the wonders around you! 

 

• Provide Opportunities to Be Outdoors  At the most basic level, when children are in nature there is room to run, shout and play which is a wonderful way to release stress. But nature also provides important moments for connection and stillness linking us to something larger than ourselves.  Provide your child with opportunities to be still in nature even for just a few moments.  And if you need more convincing, check out the science that shows how being in nature affects our brains and bodies in powerful ways!  

 

• Practice Progressive Muscle Relaxation or Tense-Release Exercise  This exercise is great for helping children understand what tense and relaxed states feel like in the body and mind.  Here are some things to consider before practicing this exercise:
  • ​​Set aside 5-10 minutes to complete this exercise
  • Children can practice this sitting or lying down
  • Define what “tension” should feel like; tense until the point of feeling tightness - not pain
  • Consider using this exercise before bedtime

​Start with a few full breaths. Breathe in slowly through the nose. Imagine that your stomach is filling and expanding like a balloon. Pause. Now let your full breath release out through your mouth as the balloon deflates back down.  Repeat a few times.

Close your eyes. If that feels uncomfortable for you for whatever reason, you can keep your eyes open, just let your eyes get a little heavy. Check in with your body, if there is any area that's fidgeting that’s okay. See if you can allow your body to become still for the next few minutes. Listen to the instructions. 

Starting with your feet we’re going to hold some tension. Tighten your feet by pointing your feet and toes, hold that tension for the count of 5-4-3-2-1. Take a full breath in through your nose, pause, then slowly breathe out through your mouth and release the tension in your feet. Your feet are relaxed. 

Progress with the same instructions focusing on: legs, arms, stomach, shoulders, face, whole body.  

After the whole body has gone through the tense-release process, check in with how they’re feeling. “Notice, what does it feel like in your body now?” “If you could use one word to name how you’re feeling in this moment, what would it be? Say it in your mind.” Allow time for your child to stay in a relaxed state after this exercise. You might consider putting on a short piece of calming music for them to listen to. 

In the book Building Emotional Intelligence, Linda Lantieri references the growing body of research that suggests that when a child is supported in developing pro-social and emotional skills early in life, that there are better outcomes for that child’s long-term health and well-being.  Teaching children how to connect with their inner world supports the development of self-awareness, but it also helps lay the foundation for understanding the interplay between themselves and others.  Every child is born with the capacity to be empathetic, but empathy is a skill that requires nurturing in order to develop.   
 
As an adult in a child’s life, you can help foster the development of empathy by supporting them in building emotional awareness and familiarizing them with the thoughts and feelings of others. Dr. Daniel Siegel shares in his book The Whole-Brain Child  that  a child’s ability to be reflective of their own experiences and those of others helps builds resiliency and connection.   

1. Cognitive Empathy The ability to understand another's perspective or see the world through others’ eyes. Cognitive empathy is mind-to-mind, giving us a mental sense of how another person might be thinking, sometimes called perspective-taking.   
2.  Emotional Empathy This type of empathy helps people feel attuned to another person’s emotions, and provides the ability to feel others’ emotions quickly without thinking deeply, as though their emotions are contagious. This type of empathy is deeply rooted in a human’s mirror neuron system, the social brain. This empathy depends on a different muscle of attention: tuning in to another person’s feelings requires we pick up their facial, vocal, and a stream of other nonverbal signs of how they feel instant-to-instant.
3. Empathetic Concern  With this kind of empathy we not only understand a person’s predicament and feel with them, but are spontaneously moved to help, if needed. This type of empathy is “other-oriented” where you feel concern about another’s suffering, but from more of a distance and with a desire to help the person in need. This type of empathy, research shows, can help reduce empathy fatigue; the residual of feeling another person’s suffering.

 
We can teach children to develop and regulate empathy, just as we do other emotions. That is, if we only cultivate emotional empathy “putting ourselves in someone else’s shoes” and feeling what they feel, we run the risk of truly experiencing the heartache, pain and distress of others. Neuroscience research suggests that when a person is emotionally empathizing with another person, their own brain is activated in very similar circuits as the brain of the person with whom they’re empathizing. This can result in higher “fight-or-flight” physiological responses and if we share the emotional suffering of others too often we run the risk of elevated stress response activation. Solely mirroring the emotional state of another person isn’t all that helpful, empathetic concern however is a good antidote. It allows us to connect to someone else's suffering but with equanimity and having the drive to want to help. This sort of compassion activates the area of the brain associated with motivation and reward.  

In my work with children I’ve found that action can be very powerful. When we allow children to do something with their feelings it can be very empowering. We don’t negate feelings; we bring mindful awareness to our thoughts and feelings and validate what ever it is we are experiencing in the moment then we can take action to care for our feelings and the feelings of others.  
​

• Teach kids about their emotions. Kids can’t empathize with how someone else might be feeling if they don’t know how to put words to their own emotions. Help children explore and name their own feelings, this is an important first step in understanding the feelings of others.  Consider having a feelings chart in the house or in the classroom to reference. 

 

• Encourage perspective-taking. Ask children to reflect on how other people might be thinking or feeling or how they might feel and act in certain situations. One of the best ways to help cultivate empathy with children is to help them associate feelings and actions with their favorite stories - a character from a book or movie can stir a child’s empathy. Go to Well-Bean's resource page for a list of books.

 

• Be a role-model. Children learn how to be caring, empathetic and compassionate when they see it in the adults around them and are treated in that way. When our children feel loved, seen and understood that connection makes them more available for learning and receptive to what you teach them.

 

• Give kids “do-overs.” When we notice a child acting or speaking insensitively it can catch us off guard and generate feelings of disappointment or anger. Remember that empathy is a skill that requires cultivation. Shaming will not teach a child to be empathetic. View these moments instead as opportunities to teach. Bring attention to the behavior with care, exploring how the behavior might affect others helps the child with perspective taking. Collaboratively work together to explore ways that the child might re-do the action next time. Practice, role play and/or have them try again and do-over. Use these moments for skill-building.

 

• Give Back. Children often need help from adults to put what they’ve learned into action. Explore service projects or provide opportunities for them to care for animals or plants. This helps children understand the role they play in helping others thrive and reinforces our interconnectedness. Volunteerism is a beautiful way for children to experience the joy in helping others.

 

• Notice Good Character and Behavior. Look for those moments when you notice children acting kind, with care or responsibly and say something; it feels good to be noticed!  “Holding the door open was thoughtful.” or “Taking care of your plate was responsible, thank you.”

 

• Recognize and Talk About all the Goodness Happening in the World. With ample opportunity to see and hear the opposite, it can be both reassuring and helpful to see goodness modeled in the world. Check out Good News Network for encouraging stories www.goodnewsnetwork.org

 

• Facilitating Moral Development. Morality is an individual’s growing sense of right and wrong and develops across a lifetime. It’s influenced by an individual's experiences and their behavior when faced with moral issues and can be facilitated through the support of parents and adults in a child’s life. Have conversation around how we treat ourselves and each other and how our behavior impacts one another. Creating Community or Classroom Guidelines is a great way to facilitate these ongoing conversations and helps children see themselves as part of a community that cares and values others.

  

• Make it a Routine. Children need to regularly see it, receive it and feel it; this increases the internalization of the skill and just like any skill worth developing, it needs to be part of their regular life experience. Providing opportunities and making it part of a routine makes living it a greater reality.

 

• Honor individuality and differences. Helping kids discover what they have in common with other people and seeing ourselves in others is important, but honoring our differences and celebrating individuality is equally important especially for children who may by marginalized. Conversations around how we can be different and coexist helps build a more compassionate world.  

Looking for an outdoor activity to do with your children?  Consider starting a regular “I notice” mindful nature walk practice!  All that's needed is a curious attitude and your senses!  This is a great outdoor activity that naturally invites us to bring mindful awareness and wonder to the world around us.  

Depending on the age of your child decide on an appropriate about of time to spend on your walk.  You can choose to be completely silent or not. The purpose of the I notice walk is to use your senses, to bring awareness to the things around you, maybe even things you’ve never noticed before! 
 
Pause on your walk and notice, what do you hear?  Look at the variety of shapes and sizes, colors and textures found in nature. Use your sense of touch to explore and feel.  Maybe you’ll find a thing or two to smell.  When your time is up, share what you’ve found! Talk, draw or write about your experience.  You could even record your discoveries in a notebook.  Track what you've found on each walk, throughout the seasons, and uncover some of the many ways the natural world changes!  Don’t make it into a competition, it’s not about how many things you’ve found but rather, an opportunity to be in the moment.  To really see and hear, feel and smell all the wonders around you! 

"If a child is to keep alive her inborn sense of wonder, she needs the companionship of at least one adult who can share it, rediscovering with her the joy, excitement, and mystery of the world we live in.” ~Rachel Carson
 ​
Author​
Jen Rapanos, LMSW, RCYT is a child and adolescent psychotherapist working in private practice.  She is the owner of Well-Bean, LLC which is committed to providing services & programs that foster the emotional & mental well-being of youth. Well-Bean offers child & adolescent psychotherapy,  yoga & mindfulness classes, wellness workshops and education & training for parents and educators.

© Copyright 2018 Well-Bean, LLC.  All rights reserved.  www.wellbeankidsyoga.com ​

By Jen Rapanos, LMSW, RCYT

Learning to notice an emotion arising in the body and pausing to take the time to pay attention and care for it allows us to have more choices in how we respond to that emotion. Well-Bean has created a four-step process called planting the S.E.E.D. for emotional wellness that teaches children and families how to mindfully approach and investigate all of our feelings while learning to take care of them.  
 
S       Stop:   Instead of reacting on autopilot, this step directs your child’s attention to whatever it is they’re experiencing in the present moment.  Parents can provide support by offering “I notice” prompts. I notice you’re sad.  I notice you’re clenching your fists like this.  I notice your voice is getting louder.  Sharing non-judgmental observation with your child provides them with a cue; there’s something going on that requires their attention.  In this step you’re guiding your child to make a conscious choice to stop and pay attention to their feelings.
 
E       Exhale s-l-o-w-l-y:   Take a few big breaths with me.  Consider what we know from neuroscience; children’s brains are still under construction and experiences help shape the brain.  When you teach your child how to breathe fully and deeply you’re actually familiarizing them with the effects of the parasympathetic nervous system.  This branch of the autonomic nervous system induces calm and relaxation; it sends signals through the body that all is well and safe. From this place of calm and ease, they are better able to access and strengthen connections to the area of the brain that helps manage their emotions and solve problems more skillfully. When we learn to pay attention to our breath, it can tell us something about how we are feeling and with this awareness we can discover the capacity of using our breath for self-regulation.

 E        Explore with curiosity:  From a more calm state, we can practice the skill of paying attention to our internal experience with curiosity and kindness versus judgment and reactivity.  Learning to tune in and connect with ourselves builds self-awareness and lays the foundation for self-regulation skills.  You can support the development of these skills by asking your child these types of questions:
 
·      What do you notice in your body?  My heart is racing.  It feels like butterflies in my stomach. My chest feels tight. There’s a lump in my throat.  My hands are clenched.  Learning to pause and pay attention to the felt sense of a feeling can feel quite foreign if you're not familiar with the practice.  But when we learn to check-in with how we're feeling we learn that emotions are transient, they have motion, they last in the body for just a short bit of time and then shift and change.  We learn that strong and difficult emotions can't actually hurt us, that we can actually learn to be with them without reacting to them.  

·      What is the quality of your thoughts? My mind went to the worst case scenario. I can’t stop thinking about what happened.  I’m not good enough.  I’m thinking about doing something that I might later regret. Our thoughts are powerful and can have a big impact on how we feel and behave.  If we find that the nature of our thoughts aren’t helpful we can choose to let them go or reframe the way we’re looking at a situation.  

·      What am I feeling?  We can label our feelings without judging them or identifying with them.  You might ask your child, If you could put a word to how you’re feeling right now, what would it be? Putting feelings into words can help us integrate what we’re experiencing.  This action engages both hemispheres of the brain and can have a calming effect on the emotional center of the brain.  Consider having a feelings list or chart nearby to reference!
 
D       Decide how to proceed:  You’ve supported your child by providing space to pause and investigate their feelings.  Now you can ask your child, What do you need?  From a more calm state and with a clearer lens, they can begin to explore coping strategies for self-care. Use Well-Bean’s poster as a visual and talking point to explore all the ways they can Mindfully Taking Care of Me From A to Z!
 
Bringing mindfulness to our internal experiences is a practice, like most things in life we become more skilled and well-versed in something that we repeat, often.  Parents can support the development of their child’s emotional wellness by following Well-Bean’s S.E.E.D. practice alongside their child whenever they’re experiencing a strong emotion.  
 
Mindfully Taking Care of Me From A to Z Poster is a perfect tool for families, therapist and teachers!  A beautifully illustrated visual that invites conversation around the many ways we can mindfully take care of our feelings.  Printed on durable, matte and museum-quality archival paper. 12 in. x 18 in.  Shipping is Free! 

​© Copyright 2018 Well-Bean, LLC.  All rights reserved.  www.wellbeankidsyoga.com