relaxation is a skill; why Our kids need it and how to make it a regular practice in their life.

Photo by Johnny McClung @johnnymcclung

One of the most profound realizations that I’ve stumbled upon in working with youth is that many don’t know how to relax. In a society that values busyness and multi-tasking, it seems relaxation is merely an idea and the practice of it is non-existent. Stress has been identified as the single most potent risk factor for mental health problems in children and adolescents. Our children are growing up in a highly competitive, over-stimulated and sometimes overwhelming world without the necessary skills for managing it.  Stress is a part of life and not all stress is bad. Our physiological response to stress, hardwired in all of us, is key to our survival. But stress in the modern world has become an epidemic and the reality is, many of the adults in children’s lives aren’t practicing strategies for managing it - so it’s not being modeled, it’s not being taught, it’s just not a priority.

"For the things we have to learn before we can do them, we learn by doing them.” -Aristotle 

​Relaxation is a coping strategy for managing stress and the ability to relax is a skill that has to be taught. Children need opportunities to learn about stress, the symptoms and the effects it can have on their health and well-being. Moreover,  they need opportunities to embody the practice of relaxation if they are to make it a priority in their lives. This takes effort, patience and persistence. I’ve found in my practice as a psychotherapist and yoga and mindfulness teacher that once children know what a relaxed state actually feels like in their body and mind, that they start to request more and more of it. And once they’re familiar with the strategies, they are able to generalize these practices at home and at school.  

Relaxation techniques are often free and can be practiced nearly anywhere. As a process and state of being, relaxation helps decrease the physical and mental effects of tension, stress and anxiety experienced in our daily lives. Relaxation doesn’t mean zoning out in front of the television or in front of an iPad, this does little to reduce the damaging effects of stress. Evidence-based practices like deep breathing, meditation, guided imagery, rhythmic exercise and yoga however have been proven to activate the body’s natural relaxation response (the parasympathetic nervous system), which helps reduce stress, boost energy and mood and improve mental and physical health.   
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​10 RELAXATION RITUALS AND practices FOR CHILDREN

• Check in With Body Cues  Before you can learn to release stress,  you need to be aware that you are stressed. In order to have a conceptual understanding of how to cope with feelings of stress we first need to understand how and why our brains are designed to interpret and react to stress. Take some time to educate your child about the brain and their stress response system. When children are aware of the signals their body gives when experiencing stress or emotions, then they can learn to monitor and respond to stress in a more mindful way. Regularly schedule and practice short “check in” moments; this helps build awareness and provides children with opportunities to become familiar with the felt sense of stress in the body.   

• Practice Body Scan Meditation The body scan meditation trains attention, builds body awareness, and is a tool for relaxation. The instructions are somewhat universal, though when using this meditation with children the exercise is significantly shorter than with adults. Use a script or find a recording that you like.  Consider the age of your child when determining the length of the body scan exercise.  Body scan meditation is a wonderful tool to use to help calm the body and mind before bedtime. 

 

• Use Calming Music It is well known that listening to calming music has a direct correlation with lowered respiration and heart rate, as well as having a positive impact on mood.  Use music to help with transitions or other times when stress seems to be elevated; the sound of soft, slow classical music for example can really help change the way we feel at such moments.  While you might use music in the background to support a more calm environment, you might also consider taking short music breaks.  That is,  sit or lie down in a comfortable position.  With your body still, mindfully listen to a short piece of music. Bedtime is great time to incorporate this exercise!

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• Use Story Time Effectively Set aside time to read together or if your child is older have them use reading as a time to practice being quiet and still. If reading to your child aloud consider your pace and provide moments to pause along the way. Create a calm environment; find a quite and comfy space, dim the lights, and consider your verbal and non-verbal communication.  Explain that reading or story time is a time to quiet down and relax.  

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• Create a Peace Corner A peace or calming corner is a special place that you create in your home (or classroom) that exemplifies a safe haven . A space to practice relaxation as well as place to express and explore feelings and solve conflicts.  The atmosphere should be calming and consist of activities that help create a sense of peace within the child.   Things to consider adding to a peace corner:​
  • A comfortable chair, yoga mat or defined seated space
  • Pictures of peaceful places
  • Elements from nature
  • Journals and/or mandala coloring books
  • A CD for calming music
  • Mind Jar
  • Essential oil
  • Weighted lap pillow or blanket
  • Visuals of breathing exercises and breathing props
  • Visuals of calming and/or energizing yoga poses
  • Growth mindset statements
    
    
• Consider How You Start and End the Day  Children have busy lives with full schedules and so sometimes the most natural time for relaxation is at the beginning or end of the day.  That’s when we often have the most control over how we spend these few moments.  Set the intention to practice a relaxation technique before jumping out of bed or to unwind before hitting the hay!  Starting the day with a short body scan for example can set the stage for a more calmed nervous system.  Or after a full day of constant input, taking a few minutes to unwind with a piece of relaxing music might be supportive.  In my psychotherapy practice I help develop morning and evening routines with several of my clients and their parents. These are the times when families can intentionally creating routines that help with these big transitions. 

   

• Use Guided Meditations and Visual Imagery Exercises  Guided meditations are a great way to help children focus their minds and relax their bodies and there are many options out there. If you’re reading a script or listening to an audio recording, it’s important that you read or listen to the meditation through its entirety before sharing with children. This will help you decide if the length, theme and experience is what you’re looking for specifically for your child. There are many resources, here are just a few that I’ve used with children. The first 5 listed are guided meditations. 
  • Mindfulness Meditation for Kids. Breathing Exercise. Guided Meditation for Children          
  • Hot Air Balloon Ride: A Guided Meditation for Kids.  Children’s Visualization for Sleep & Dreaming
  • Guided Meditation for Children. The Worry Bus: Kids Meditation for Worry and Anxiety                      
  • Let Go of Worries. A Guided Meditation for Children                                                                        
  • Guided Meditation for Children.  Your Secret Treehouse, Relaxation for Kids              
  • Stop, Breathe & Think This app for meditation & mindfulness, has a unique approach that allows you to check in with your emotions, and then recommends short, guided meditations, yoga and acupressure videos, tuned to how you feel. 
  • Sleep Meditations for Kids These deeply relaxing recordings can help children with sleep issues, insomnia, stress, anxiety and with feelings of confidence and well being. They can also be used for general relaxation. Suitable for children up to the age of 12. 
  • Sitting Still Like a Frog Audio Recordings on SoundCloud. From the book Sitting Still Like a Frog by Eline Snel which includes a CD with guided meditations, this link provides you with each audio exercise included in the book. These exercises are based on mindfulness-training exercises for adults and developed especially for children. 

 

• Mindful Nature Walk Exercise Consider starting a regular mindful nature walk practice! All that's needed is a curious attitude and your senses! This is a great outdoor activity that naturally invites us to bring mindful awareness and wonder to the world around us and the silence within us.   Depending on the age of your child, decide on an appropriate amount of time to spend on the walk. The purpose of this walk is to move from autopilot to mindful awareness.  Using your senses, this practice transcends the relatively detached way we often experience nature.  Pause on the walk and notice, what do you hear? Look at the variety of shapes and sizes, colors and textures found in nature. Use your sense of touch to explore and feel. Maybe you’ll find a thing or two to smell. When your time is up, share what you’ve found! Talk, draw or write about your experience. You could even record your discoveries in a notebook. Track what you notice on each walk throughout the seasons and uncover some of the many ways the natural world changes! Don’t make it into a competition, it’s not about how many things you’ve found but rather, an opportunity to be fully in the moment. A time to quiet your mind and to really see and hear, feel and smell all the wonders around you! 

 

• Provide Opportunities to Be Outdoors  At the most basic level, when children are in nature there is room to run, shout and play which is a wonderful way to release stress. But nature also provides important moments for connection and stillness linking us to something larger than ourselves.  Provide your child with opportunities to be still in nature even for just a few moments.  And if you need more convincing, check out the science that shows how being in nature affects our brains and bodies in powerful ways!  

 

• Practice Progressive Muscle Relaxation or Tense-Release Exercise  This exercise is great for helping children understand what tense and relaxed states feel like in the body and mind.  Here are some things to consider before practicing this exercise:
  • ​​Set aside 5-10 minutes to complete this exercise
  • Children can practice this sitting or lying down
  • Define what “tension” should feel like; tense until the point of feeling tightness - not pain
  • Consider using this exercise before bedtime

​Start with a few full breaths. Breathe in slowly through the nose. Imagine that your stomach is filling and expanding like a balloon. Pause. Now let your full breath release out through your mouth as the balloon deflates back down.  Repeat a few times.

Close your eyes. If that feels uncomfortable for you for whatever reason, you can keep your eyes open, just let your eyes get a little heavy. Check in with your body, if there is any area that's fidgeting that’s okay. See if you can allow your body to become still for the next few minutes. Listen to the instructions. 

Starting with your feet we’re going to hold some tension. Tighten your feet by pointing your feet and toes, hold that tension for the count of 5-4-3-2-1. Take a full breath in through your nose, pause, then slowly breathe out through your mouth and release the tension in your feet. Your feet are relaxed. 

Progress with the same instructions focusing on: legs, arms, stomach, shoulders, face, whole body.  

After the whole body has gone through the tense-release process, check in with how they’re feeling. “Notice, what does it feel like in your body now?” “If you could use one word to name how you’re feeling in this moment, what would it be? Say it in your mind.” Allow time for your child to stay in a relaxed state after this exercise. You might consider putting on a short piece of calming music for them to listen to. 

Making room for relaxation

Making room for relaxation may seem very foreign at first but I’ve found that kids come to enjoy these moments; it’s a opportunity to dial down from the their usual revved up lives.  Teaching children how to relax and manage unhealthy stress comes by way of regular practice.  It requires embodied experiences so that children can eventually cultivate the self-efficacy required to integrate the practices into their lives - when they need it most. Sprinkling short and frequent moments of relaxation into your child's life not only help builds resiliency but also communicates the powerful message that relaxation should be a regular practice.  

​AUTHOR

​Jen Rapanos, LMSW, RCYT is a child and adolescent psychotherapist working in private practice.  She is the owner of Well-Bean, LLC committed to providing programs and services that foster the emotional and mental well-being of youth.  

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